Life is messy. What did Buffy tell Dawn about life at the end of Season 5?
“The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.”
My kitchen table is sticky. My entire downstairs is covered in toys, Goldfish, and baby crackers. I care but not enough to pick it up right away. I can make the boys pick it up when they want their tablets. After watching the housekeeper enough, they know how to sweep the floors and put away their toys. Hui.3 is crawling at 120% and eating solid food now, so I tend to her more than whatever the boys left on the floor. Priorities, you know. And the key to building a strong immune system.
You would think I’d be able to channel this grief-induced anger towards my art but I’ve been going to barre at least once or twice a week. I’m addicted to the endorphin high and the nostalgia of my former life as a bellydancer. I’ve gained 5lbs of muscle and it feels amazing. It’s nice to feel something more than just anger and frustration. I mean, my kids make me happy, like when Hui.2 chants “this is how we do it” with me, when Hui.3 glances up at me and smiles because she knows I’m her mama, or when Hui.1 crawls into my bed in the morning to sleep some more and cuddle. But the grief has taken its toll so the joy is dulled and overshadowed by the physical and emotional exhaustion that is my life right now. All the mom blogs say that this wave of “just trying to survive” will pass, and even I know it will, it’s just hard to stomach on a daily basis. Too much has happened since Hui.3 was born and I’m simply trying to catch up.